The Miscellany Manifesto

Random Musings of a Transient Soul





30.4.06
Everyday I am amazed at how easy it is to stop thinking. Really thinking. To truly become numb. I started this blog for the very purpose of countering that for myself. I'm scared when I realize how simple it can be to just drift through things without thinking about them, about the causes and repurcussions of those things. Every single day.
I wonder often if I am becoming desensitized, or if I'm there already. And I think that I might be. It stops being about not thinking then. It is inevitable then that I don't feel things either. It would be easy to comparmentalise thinking with the brain and feeling with the heart, but what I mean is the act of really just experiencing things completely. Living them.
I just deleted the last post I wrote. It gnawed at me as soon as it was up on the blog. I wasn't sure why that was, I wasn't sure why I had an urge to remove it and bin it. I thought about it and realized- it was because that last post was empty. It had nothing inside it. It was just a bunch of words strung together about something of little consequence. Did it matter? No. The vacant expression of that post reminds me of a line in 'Homecoming' by R Parthasarathy
"One can be eloquent about nothing."
Writing really matters to me. And it's pretty nasty for me to realize I'm writing things that I don't always care about. It doesn't mean that writing always has to be heavy or philosophical or something, but it does mean that I hope my writing atleast remains true to what I know I want to be writing about. And that isn't trash. It's just another ping in the head to 'Stay Conscious' I think.
I wonder though, am I alone in thinking that its easy to stop actively thinking and adopt a chalta hai attitude in how we think, speak, write, behave?

Just one Bentley?

27.4.06
Quote of the week. Found today in the NYTimes, 'MTV's Super Sweet 16 Gives a Sour Pleasure':
Her sister's graduation gift package included a Bentley, diamonds and two homes in India. "I was really surprised," Divya said, "because I was only expecting a Bentley and one house."

How Opal Mehta REALLY got a life...

26.4.06
I read about Kaavya Vishwanathan a couple of weeks ago in the Sunday Times. The journo raved about her as the newest and fairest torchbearer of the chic-lit-chick-lit sorority. Actually even raving seems inadequate- the article fawned over her. You can't really blame them, Ms Vishwanathan has something that would make every parent proud- the girl got into Harvard. I'm sure this is but one of her many lovely attributes, but hey, Harvard trumps nice glossy hair and good manners any day.
I must clarify, I have nothing against the girl. I honestly don't like passing judgements. But here's someone who has truly messed with the art of writing. Regardless of the quality of the prose in 'How Opal Mehta...', I actually thought "You go, girl!" when I read she'd gotten a $500,000 advance for writing the book. In comparison, it is common for established authors to be given a $2-3 million advance. I thought, "Hey, maybe she's an amazing writer!"
But as it turns out, Opal Mehta really got a life not from Ms. V's pen, but from that of another author- Megan McCafferty. I read the reports in TOI and the NYTimes, and felt bad for Ms Vishwanathan. I genuinely sympathised. It is easy to love a piece of writing so much that one internalises it and finds oneself applying it to the situations in one's own life. But could it be that one also cut-pastes them in one's writing? I thought maybe the similarities between Ms McCafferty's and Ms Vishwanathan's work couldn't be that great. But unfortunately, I'm wrong. Website boston.com highlights a few of the purported 40 similarities with great clarity.
Its a good lesson for all aspiring writers- it's one thing idolising someone, but plagirism is another thing altogether.

Wiping it clean!

25.4.06
I'm almost back to normalcy after two days of good, clean, non-alcoholic partying with the family. I still haven't quite digested the news though. That isn't too much of a surprise considering what an emotional-tubelight-with-faulty-wiring I have always been. I think it'll start feeling a lot more real as the days pass, as my University exams are flung out of the way and we begin some more bouts of compulsive spending. (I'm telling you, we're in such denial right now. The Gokarns say they aren't shopaholics, but we really need a family membership to Shopaholics Anonymous.)
Its strange. When I was in school and hating every day of it, I used to wish fervently for two things. One- a voice recorder so that I could record my friend Mulay hatching her evil plans, which were thrilling (for us) and lame (in general), and which she would conveniently blame me for when we were busted. When we were younger, she was the personification of the 'Junior Anti-Christ' for me; now she's just a Chartered Accountant. And two- the ability to wipe the slate and begin all over. I really really wanted that in school- just to be able to make a clean break and begin anew. I was given that opportunity later in life, and as I look back, I've been given very similar opportunities to begin afresh every few years. I'm very thankful for those.
I used to think I hated change. Now I realize I can't do without it.
There are so many uncertainties. I'm full of questions. Friends and family are brimming with advice. Parents are already displaying signs of anxiety. A list of things to do was started this morning and now, at 15.02pm, its already 28 items long. The next two months are not going to be easy. What about the two years beyond that?

OMG!

24.4.06
I made it to Mica! Oh-my-God, I made it to Mica! *WooHoo* It happened! I made it to Mica!
I'm such a ball of emotions right now. Wow!
Will post after I feel capable of sitting in one place. And thinking.

The Fourth Seat?

Okay, so the last time we went wedding shopping for Mossy, I admit I turned to mush. It turned into a sequence from a feel good Meg Ryan movie or something. We shopped, we spent, we bonded- yeah yeah, very cute. But I've realized this whole bonding over the shopping excursion thing, for me, has a two day expiry date. Two days exactly.
For the last two days, it feels like we have done nothing but spend money and take occasional stops to pee and eat. And with the gang setting up base camp in our apartment, it has turned into a MADHOUSE. The floor is practically invisible. Fold-out beds have popped up everywhere. There is constant talking and it hurts my head, it really does. Its ceaseless and high pitched. I'm thanking God my father is in Mumbai right now, because with the potent combination of the spending levels and the decible levels, he'd bust a vein or something. Then again, he'd be great company for grumbling.
It's becoming a tough life. Mossy is more irritable than ever, and GrandMossy is, if its humanely possible, more hormonal than her testosterone-d daughter. MiniMossy is multitasking- shopping and handling boyfriend issues. So we can feel a huge well of hormones about to attack her as well and are steering clear of Mini. My mother, angel that she is, is trying to pacify everyone- the bride, the entourage and me, her funked out daughter who is caught in a whirlwind of satin, taffeta and admission results.
All of this energy- nervous and otherwise- was building to a crescendo. You could feel the lachrymal glands gearing up for some solid work. Then this evening, as we all sat down to dinner, something sparked it off. One minute the five women were talking and eating, and the next Mossy was crying, then Mini was crying, and then GrandMossy. Mum trying once again to pacify and me to keep up the supply of water and tissues. But it was okay after a while. Much to our relief they stopped with as much synchronicity as they'd started. Little did I know this was the preview to the real cry fest.
The remainder of the evening was spent talking about marriage and all that it entails. It was genuinely touching. Mum and GrandMossy telling us their marital ups and downs and the Mini and Mossy telling us about their marital hopes and fears. Yeah yeah, we bonded. And I had a tough time keeping those tissues coming. But it really was genuinely touching.
It was then that GrandMossy told us her analogy of marriage. GrandMossy has an analogy for everything under this sun and every other sun there is. So she told us about the Fourth Seat. In Mumbai's crowded local trains the train seats are only made to seat three people. But commuters always try to tell people to shift a little and make some room for a fourth person- the fourth seat. Sometimes the people already seated shift and sometimes they don't. The crux of the matter is- you adjust. Marriage is like asking for the fourth seat. Whatever happens, both have to adjust, or else no one is comfortable.
I do not know if this will make sense to you, my sparse readers. But to the five of us it made perfect sense. Here is Mossy who hates the fuss of marriage and only wanted a court ceremony, but she's jumping the hoops. Why? Because she doesn't just marry the guy, she marries into a family. And you try to keep people happy. There's GrandMossy who quit her job and followed her husband to his various jobs around the world. There's Mini who must deal with a long-distance relationship and all its aches and pains. It may be the fourth seat, but its a seat. Things aren't always as you'd like them to be.
It's odd. Speaking in terms of the analogy, I always figured love and marriage should be, must be, the seat by the window. Comfort and great views. I'm not sure I want to give this analogy, my analogy up. Not yet. But beyond that, I'm glad the wedding jitters are out of our bevy of beauties. It really is therapeutic to cry. And talk.
And maybe the expiry date on the whole mushy-bonding thing isn't two days after all.

Aargh!

23.4.06

I'm in such a funk. It's Sunday night. And I feel exactly like this->
MICA refuses to let even a peep escape its pursed lips. My final results are due any time now. That has been the status since Friday, and 'any time now' just isn't some time right now. Aaaaargh! Why do they have to take weekends off? Why do they not update their website? Why do they use the stupid post to send us their letters? Have they never heard of Bluedart or UPS or bloody DTDC?
To push me further into the abyss Akshay Kumar is serenading Priyanka Chopra on TV with the lamest lyrics after "Tujhe mirchi lagi to main kya karu?" and that other classic, "What is Mobile number?". I can't believe he just lip-synched to "Do me a favour, Lets play Holi..."(WTF?) But yes, I will do you a favour Mr. Kumar, infact I will do both of us a favour by switching channels.
I'm in a funkey, funkey, funkety funk....

Painting the Town Green

21.4.06

In countless movies over the years, I've seen this typical image of the heroine walking out of a big mall, arms loaded with shopping bags and letting the inner primadonna truly shine. For some reason, that's an image that is really enduring for me. It exemplifies a certain sense of style and glamour, even grace. It's all Audrey Hepburn and Sharmila Tagore. Elegance, extravagance and expense. But ofcourse, walking out of a mall loaded with bags doesn't really happen every so often to mortals. And even if you do blow it all on a shopping trip, chances are you'll be too guiltstruck/ exhausted to come out of the mall looking all glam and smelling like roses.
"Shopping is intense, it's hardcore and the strain it puts on the mind and feet is so underestimated, its just not funny. Shopping is serious business!" So I was told yesterday evening after I was recruited for exclusive shopping purposes by my maternal aunt, aka Mossy.
And this wasn't just any shopping, this was shopping for Mossy's wedding. Not the actual wedding trousseau, more like the pre and post D-day clothing. And so efficient is my Mossy, that we were split into three groups. Mossy and her mum, the GrandMossy, were incharge of clothing. My Mum and her younger sister, MiniMossy, were incharge of accessories. And me, lone trooper, was put incharge, of make-up. Since I can't really bother myself with the stuff, it was odd that I was put in charge of that department. But here is a tip: If you are ever face a similar situation, do as told, it's just plain unwise arguing with a flustered, hormonal, last-minute VLCC-ed bride-to-be.
So standing outside a big mall here in Bangalore, I received the first commandment of shopping, "I work hard, I deserve this splurge, so don't look at the price tag." That makes sense, justify maxing the card with rewarding the self. It's a great self-psychology ploy if you think about it- attack your guilt before your guilt attacks you.
Then the second commandment of shopping, "Remember the rule of three Cs: Colour, Class and Cut." These words were actually spoken. And then the third commandment, "When you pick something up for me, don't forget it's going to pass down to you soon- so pick well." This one is pretty crucial. It really put the spanner in the works. I was so planning to get Mossy some horrid looking Made-In-Chinchpokli make-up that would make her look florid and pale all at once. Damn!
That was it, off we went. I asked why there wasn't a customary list of 10 commandments, but was fixed with a get-to-work look that was so intense, I scuttled stright into Marks and Spencers. The details of the trip are hazy to me. It was four and a half hours of testing on the hand and removing with cleanser, testing on the face and removing with cleaner, testing on the wrist and removing with cleanser. Its tiring. And here's something nice, you become colour blind after a while. After about two hours, Berry and Wine look all the same.
Never-the-less, we were diligent, we were focussed, we were goal oriented and armed with very sharp credit and debit cards. After all those hours of asking the truly important questions like, "Does it go with my skin tone?" and "Do you think it will look good in the pictures?", we collapsed into chairs at a restaurant, pooped and dehydrated. I thought this was the end, this is where I get my manna- a good cup of caffeine and some FOOD! But sadly, no. I sort of forgot the steps in the shopping process a little bit. It's Shop, Pay, Examine, and then Eat.
So we sat down for some serious expenditure examination. Bags were opened, contents checked for colour, size, smell, feel. I sat back and wondered. They were all so happy; no, they were so satisfied. There was such excitement and giggling. It was so cute to watch. It wasn't just a shopping expedition, we bonded. Sure, it was a bit like a mission, but we did well I think. And I looked at the group of us again, hunched over the buys with such deep exhilaration, chattering loudly. I realized then, I'd caught some of their happy too. I was one of these women, joyous with the excitement of a wedding and joyous to have let go of the every-day self- cautious, sparing and over-thoughtful. We let ourselves go, and it felt so good.
I asked Mossy how she felt, she said, "I feel like I'm a cross between a princess and a movie star." And when we walked out of the mall, each loaded with bags and bags of shopping, looking and feeling happy, I have to admit, I felt a little like a celluloid princess myself.

Budget

19.4.06
Was studying the Budget for some college work, and was awestruck to read this quote on the first page. What wonderful words.
"We reap what we sow. We are the makers of our own fate.
The wind is blowing; those vessels whose sails are unfurled
catch it, and go forward on their way, but those which have
their sailes furled do not catch the wind. Is that the fault
of the wind?
We make our own destiny."
-Swami Vivekananda

(Almost) Saying Goodbye

It's not like I like my college. Infact anyone who knows me well enough should have heard me rant about college atleast once. It's one of those things you know. You dislike something so passionately and for such varied reasons that you can't help but complain and complain and complain, and then you get sick of complaining, but you can't stop complaining anyway.
Well today was my last official day at BWMC, and for the very first time I felt...something. It was too small to label remorse and not insignificant enough to remain labelled just something. I still can't quite figure out what it was. Am I sorry for leaving? Am I going to miss the place? I do doubt that. Infact, after I typed that, it made me smile because its just so impossible. Miss the place? Please.
What was it then? The more I think about it, two things become more and more clear to me. And I'm not liking this sort of clarity all that much, let me tell you.
One, I think I'm feeling sorry about complaining so bloody much while I was there. Yes, I hated it. And yes, they hated me. But I think I might have marred my time here by only thinking of the place negatively. Maybe if I'd complained less, sort of tried to get used to things as they were, swallow the bitter syrup if you will, I might have spent some happier days here. It's nasty to realise this now, but everything is a lesson right?
Two, things are coming full circle for me. It feels like an episode is about to close. Not quite finished yet, but almost. Uncertainty lurks ahead. But the future has stopped being so big, bad and ugly now. It's just things that will happen and I'm not so scared anymore. So that's good. But this part is certainly coming to a close- I feel like things need to be wound up, loose ends tied. Some nostalgia, some wistfulness is a part of it I guess.
One thing is for sure, I'll never forget that unexpected feeling that suddenly lurched up my throat as I stepped out of the college gates today. I was stunned because I never expected to feel sad about leaving BWMC behind. I guess no matter how eagerly one looks forward to finishing something so that one can embark upon something new- a goodbye must be said first. And you know what goodbyes are like.
I guess I said my goodbye today. Well, almost.

A Very Inspiring Read

16.4.06
Sometimes you read something that makes such perfect sense. It hums in your brain. Maybe its because you've thought it but haven't quite lived it, experienced it or you just haven't been able to express it well enough. And then you read something where someone puts that very thought across in the simplest of words. Minimum fuss, maximum sense.
Reading a speech that Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple and Pixar, gave at the Stanford Uni's graduation ceremony did that for me. I really wanted to share it. Pardon the length, if you dislike too many words. But all the words are precious. Its by someone, who I suspect, found the fount.
(Thanks to Saurabh Vardhan's Blog for being the source. If you read this Saurabh, I hope you don't mind, but this speech is just so good.)

"I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life.
That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.
The first story is about connecting the dots.
I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out? It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.
And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.
It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:
Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.
None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.
My second story is about love and loss.
I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started?
Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.
I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.
I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.
During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I retuned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.
I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.
My third story is about death.
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.
I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.
This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept: No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.
Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.
Thank you all very much."

Ask me!

15.4.06
Admit it, you've seen this button somewhere, sometime. And I don't know how many will admit to this next part, but I've always just wanted to ask for the heck of it. Hell, here's someone so desperate to be asked a question that they're walking around wearing a pin that screams it! However, as tempted as I have felt to ask the chubby lady on the train or the moustachioed man at the vegetable market exactly what wonder drug they're trying to market in a legal way, I just don't. Its not that I can't. I just choose not to.
And these aren't the only pins out there. There are tons of people just begging you to ask them about height gain/loss, hair gain/loss, muscle gain/loss and many more exciting physiological additions and subtractions. But a physical revamp is not the only thing on offer here. Someone wants you to ask them about their religion, methods of Palliative care, their goals in life, their coin collection, their favourite butterfly park (and to top it all) there's even one that begs you to ask why the wearer is just so damn happy!
To me, the pins made no sense. I had not seen a pin-ed person being approached in a crowded or not so crowded place and I'm pretty sure I don't know anyone, no matter how curious they are, who will actually ask. The more I thought about it, the surer I became about the fact that no one would want to humiliate themselves by walking to a complete stranger and asking a question like "I'd like to know how I can lose/ gain weight please." How do you start a conversation based on a question written on a pin? What do you say? "Yes, I'd like to know." Or, "Yeah, I want to know how my lost follicles will return." Or, "Hey, so why are you so damn happy today?"
But you know what? I was proven wrong today. Today was the first instance where I saw a man actually approach a lady and ask, loudly and very very publicly, how he could also lose some weight. It wasn't embarassing for him, didn't make him cringe. Made me wonder though. Would I ever have the courage to walk upto a stranger and ask them a question that reveals my insecurities about my body or my religion or just my way of life? No. Put yourself in that position. It's surprisingly hard.
I can't speak for anyone else, but the truth is, we're too bunched up in the blanket of our own fears and misgivings about ourselves to expose our insecurities. Makes us vulnerable, completely exposes us. Even a small, practically inconsequential thing such as asking someone a question. I suppose I realized a couple of things once I reflected on the man who did ask. One, I wouldn't have the courage to expose myself and my insecurities to anyone, no matter how curious/desperate I was. Two, the man was.
Strange how one question can raise so much thought.

Heroes go home

14.4.06
Today is an invincible day. I feel on top of the world for no good reason. I have that fist-pumping-high-fiving-heel-clicking mood going today and I have done nothing to deserve it, really. Everything seems smothered in goodness today. Quite strange since I don't know where all this feel-good is coming from. Hormones are so funky somedays.
Still can't get Thursday's insane violence out of my head. 9 dead? Just makes me more sure that everything is so chockfull of contradictions. I have a lifetime subscription to the theory that life is just one giant ball of juxtapositions. Gentleman's funeral and crowd goes beserk. Time of mourning and people dance on the streets after burning buses. Grief and giving grief.
More ironies. Yesterday was the day heroes went home. Javed, Meerut's new hero, succumbed in hospital to burns. Meerut wept in collective fury, misery, bitterness. Salman, hero of millions, came back home with promises of fixing toilets and providing TVs to inmates. In what was perhaps a more embarassing event than being jailed, the man took of his shirt before the Bandstand crowd in a public display of what? heriosm? stupidity? adulation? appreciation for his fans? and showed them what he's really made of. Then ofcourse there was Dr. Rajkumar's funeral gone so regrettably sour. Really makes me wonder- what of heroes?

Insomnia


Insomnia attacks. Thoughts cross, flit through randomly, criss-cross. Head is full of things that aren't sleep. Highest sheep count so far is 458. Seriously. Warm milk. Warm shower. Warm bed. Yet no sleep. Books have been read. Music heard. Toenails decorated with little swirls. What could be more inane? Still no sleep. Random acts of meditation performed. Breath concentrated upon- inhale hold exhale. No sleep.
What's missing?

Mourning

13.4.06
Screen Legend Dr. Rajkumar passed away yesterday. Since his passing, something seems to have caved in in Bangalore. You could feel the unrest on the streets late yesterday afternoon. Offices emptied and cars packed the roads, buses stopped plying and shops pulled their shutters down. You could feel something about to happen. Local news channels ran just one story- Rajkumar passes away, the Legend is no more, Our hero has died and so on. After about 7pm last night, most parts of the city were deserted.
This morning, mayhem was loosened. The body, kept in Kanteerava stadium after much dilly-dallying, seemed to have become the centre of the madness. Crowds poured in, police were outnumbered, tear gas and lathi charges were resorted to. I wonder, like so many others, would Dr.Rajkumar have wanted this? How is his family coping?
The city is divided. There are those of us who wonder what is going on and there are those who take part in what is going on. It sounds like blatant exaggeration but currently, everything in Bangalore seems to revolve around only this. Perhaps the fact that only news channels are running on the cable network- and all carrying images only of Bangalore streets going wild- are creating this myopia. Yellow and Red state flags have popped up on houses, flying at half mast. Clusters of people are walking to Kanteerava carrying posters of their deceased hero- its a pilgrimage. By the stadium itself, crowds have gone beserk as I'm sure you've seen on your TV screen. I've seen nothing like it and it is in equal measures- scary and sad.
Many people who live here I'm sure will agree, Bangalore often ceases to make sense and this is one of those times. Its ironic how the two images contrast- the IT city of India and a city gone wild over the death of an actor. The images on news channels are horrific. Policemen beating people. People beating policemen. Thousands gathered to pay homage to their hero being manhandled and mauled. Buses set ablaze. Crowds dancing with joy as they pelt stones and bricks- revelling in the numbers of a crazed crowd. The glass cask carrying the body belittled at the centre of the mayhem.
It's a sad day for Bangalore. For the fans of Dr. Rajkumar, for the administration and for those of us who wonder what is going on. Death isn't supposed to be like this. Mourning isn't supposed to be like this. Perhaps its the constant bombardment of images on the TV, I don't quite know, but I feel that it stopped being about mourning the loss of a hero a while ago.

The First of the Ten Things

11.4.06
On the Reading List:

1.Thoughts Without A Thinker- Mark Epstein

2. Farenheit 451- Ray Bradbury.

3. All Quiet on the Western Front- E M Remarque

4. Winnie the Pooh- A A Milne

5. Granta (Issue 57): India

6. American Voices- various

7. Cakes and Ale- W S Maugham

8. Two Lives- Vikram Seth

9. Herzog- Saul Bellow

10. Waiting for Godot- Samuel Beckett

It's nearly 2 am and I suspects that me is suffering from a little burst of insomnia. So what does me do? Me makes a list, and a pretentious one at that! Parp!

Everybody Hurts

10.4.06
REM in full consolatory swing are trying their very best to convince me that Everybody Hurts and Now It's Time To Sing Along. But I'm just not feeling like my best song-bird self today, you know. Mostly because the news today has an extra dash of awfulness and some-ly because I don't really have a song-bird self.
Salman to finally get a real taste of the slammer (about time, the guy got away with murder- literally.) Fire at the International Convention in Meerut, 45 dead so far. (Clearly not very international standards of safety being followed, what with a single exit and all) And Arjun Singh hellbent on raising enough muck to put Chirac to shame. (Still not backing down despite the PM and Sonia's silence and the EC's nudge.)
In other news closer to home, Ammu claims to have gotten "the tingles" just thinking about getting her tattoo which has gone from being the ambitious Gemini constellation (also known as the Doorway to Heaven) to being, erm, the keyhole on the Doorway- a single star. Tingle Tingle Little Star.
Old bud Sri Sri James, currently perfecting the alternative AOL- Art of Lazy- messaged to say that his team won the Beach Footie Cup in Goa. Cup filled with beer ofcourse. In his words, "Saved 5 goals for team, but took one in my Area 51. Everything seems to be in working order though." Valiant man.
Aunty G subjected us to one of her visits again, this time to complain about her sons- which ended up being emotionally painful for her and physically painful for us. But Aunty G truly worked the waterworks when she saw her favourite non-actor Sunil (Sunel/Suniel/Sunile/Senile?) Shetty cry on Indian Idol. (Do not ask me why- I'm clueless.) I believe it is a phenolemon known as Sympathy Pain. Boo and Hoo.
To conclude then, most things seem sour-bordering-on-depressing today and in their own special ways, Everybody Hurts.
End of Broadcast.

The Effects of War

9.4.06

After an endlessly beautiful afternoon spent analysing first and second World War poetry, either of two things can happen to a person. Either one feels incredibly jaded, distrustful and weary all at once, which in my experience, isn't very nice no matter how lovely the afternoon; or one simply wants to hear more about the wars. I'm quite thankful the latter happened to me.
I went to the British Council Library (BCL) looking for writings on war: poetry, prose, bios, anything really. I was suddenly siezed by wanting to know more about life in the trenches, how ugly it got, the shell shock and the gas bombs, the repeated effects of seeing ones friends blown to bits and the disguised but forever flickering empathy with one's enemy.

I got my paws onto some war stuff immediately. And this is stunning because in the Bangalore BCL I once found Shakespeare lurking in the Surgery section and Naipaul in Nanotechnology.
The book I found was Paul Bailey's 'Old Soldiers'. As the title suggests it isn't quite life-in-the-trenches so much as what life-in-the-trenches can do to a man post war. The book was an unexpected and great find in many ways. The writing is so easy that getting involved with the characters was near instant. There were no flimsy introductions and descriptions, one just begins with a slice of Captain Standish's and Victor Harker's life. The war leaves deep scars on both men's lives and it would be easy to say that these scars hinder the course of their lives, but that isn't altogether true. And that's where the beauty of the book lies for me. The effects of the war are both bad and good for both men. Realizing that war can construct whole lives, not just destroy them- it can completely rebuild people- was an eyeopener for me.
After that last paragraph I feel like emboldening this next bit. It's a funny book. It's funny in clever ways: lots of word play, lots of irony, lots of quirks in the characters. I really like books or stories where one feels like one has understood the charcters and this was one. There's some crazy, irreverent moments in the book, but its never contrived. And it's tiny! It's really like a long short story, if you get my drift. 'Old Soldiers' took me about two hours to finish, and that's quick because I've been crowned the Princess Slow of Reading.
So if you can, read 'Old Soldiers'. It is funny, sad, irreverent, thought provoking and small, all at the same time. It's a great read and it definitely gave me a wider base on my World War knowledge, but with a quirk. I never expected to find a book about war that wasn't filled with gore, fear and horror. I guess like everything else, war is not one-dimensional. Clearly, the effects of war are many.

'Of Human Knowledge' -Sir John Davies

5.4.06
I know my body's of so frail a kind,
As force without, fevers within can kill;
I know the heavenly nature of my mind,
But 'tis corrupted both in wit and will.

I know my Soul hath power to know all things,
Yet is she blind and ignorant in all;
I know I am one of Nature's little kings,
Yet to the least and vilest things am thrall.

I know my life's a pain and but a span,
I know my Sense is mock'd with every thing:
And to conclude, I know myself a MAN,
Which is a proud, and yet a wretched thing.

- Sir John Davies

A Decision

4.4.06

There are some terrible things about going to college at Baldwin Women's Methodist College. It's been a rough and unpredictable couple of years here and I couldn't be happier that I've done my time and will be out soon. But like all other experiences, this one is also bittersweet. I've met some pretty interesting people, learnt about cultures and customs from the far corners of my country and learnt how easy it is for some to dedicate their lives to religion and truly live their belief.

That last part is difficult for me mainly because my religion, Hinduism, is so ambiguous to me. I was born a Hindu and therefore, I am one. I do all the things that others do- celebrate the same festivals, visit the same temples and pray with the same (ir)regularity. I don't feel particularly religious and find that my lack of (necessary) understanding of where my religion comes from is a huge hurdle towards my living as a Hindu. I feel guilty about this but also struggle with how to cope with it and change the situation for myself.

But I've decided its time for me to do something about it. If I want to understand my identity, atleast my social and religious identity, I can't expect for the answers to arrive. I'm still not sure where I can seek the answers that I want about the origins of Hinduism, customs, the rituals of prayer etc. I'll probably speak to people and read about it. I'm thinking of beginning with the Bhagwad-Gita. But that still requires a lot more thought and planning around my schedule.

Currently my interest in understanding my religion is knowledge-based. I'm curious to understand more. I'm not all that sure it's some subconscious need to be closer to a higher power per say. I think my faith, as it is now, is healthy and I understand, interpret God or a higher universal power in a very personal manner, much like most others. I suppose its just the need to find the meaning of that large part of my identity which manifests itself in my daily life as well as that of others.

I need to know why.

Pari-wars

2.4.06
I sit before my computer screen covered in yellow goo. Almost delicious, gloopy concoction of milk, honey, haldi and besan. It's rather befitting the occassion I think. The What-ika Star Pari-war Awards air tonight and one and a half of my family is watching with, what is to me, scary amounts of fascination and near reverence. I will not hide the shameful fact. I have Kekta lovers in my family. Sob.
I say one and a half of my own Pari-war is watching because my Maa and Aunty G from the fourth floor has graced us with her chatty presence tonight. Now she isn't khoon ka nata, but she's decided not to let that get in the way and has adopted my little family in her endeavour to create her own Pari-war, Baa inclusive. Therefore, one and a half.

I was attempting to understand Public Administration when Aunty G bust open, literally, my closed door and yanked me out, textbook and all, to watch the awards. This is an occassion she annouced and besides, she complained that I have turned into something of an Id ka chand and my mukhda is chupa-chupa these days.

I think it was at this point, as she pinched my very inadequate cheeks in her ginormous fingers, that she noticed the "state" of my mukhda. Apparently, I had taken my being the Chand a little seriously and my face had developed "itne bade daag(s)" on it. Not good, not good she announced. And thus, the Aunty G Anti Daag squad was deployed. Ingredients were duly glooped and applied (plastered, actually) as we watched a series of Bahus and Betas and Baas and Betis get jiggy wid it on TV.

Aunty G is very satisfied. As I feel my facial muscles stiffen into place Aunty G says, "Oy-hoy, muh pila ho gaya, ab bas haath pile ho jaye." I suddenly find my muscles stiffen more from shock than congealed goo. I knew this day would come, but come on, not when my defences are down and I'm looking like a massive bhujiya. My mother giggles politely, "There's still some time for her to get married," she offers lamely. But this is Aunty G- she ain't backing down so quick. "Haan haan, but she's 21 now. Balik hai, BA hai. Ladka to dhundna shuru karo." Balik and BA, my two qualifications.

I knew better than arguing with the G-force, and besides my face was incapabale of movement. Thankfully some Kantaben and Kamleshbhai in shiny clothes started dancing on our TV screen and distracted Aunty G. Before her argument for the addition of a suitable boy to our Pari-war can go any further, I escape to the sanctuary of my room.
Here I'm not 21, Balik and BA. I am neither Id ka chand, nor chand ke daag. I'm just covered in yellow goo.

Resolving

1.4.06
So now the anxiety part is partly resolved. The Dakia came and delivered the MICA letter carrying my result. I am waitlist number 52. Okay. I'm still a little shaky about how to deal with this new situation. I feel a little unprepared. I'm really not used to being on this side of the fence and it feels very new. Its perhaps cocky to say so, but in the vein of letting it out honestly, I'm the kid who usually does well, who tries hard and gets results. This time, it's different. And I feel emotionally unprepared to deal with this, I'm not used to waitlist number 52. I'm used to Congratulations, you're through! I know this must sound very egotistic, which I'm not, but I'm trying to put this new feeling and new situation into words so that it's easier for me to understand exactly how I'm feeling.

Well, I have to be honest. Here's how it is. I've invested a lot of my time, money and most, most importantly, a lot of my emotions into this whole endeavour. I've nurtured my dream of going to MICA for the longest time now and as I am used to just "making it", I now realise that I'd somehow automatically convinced myself that this would be easy sailing as well. That is not to say I didn't study hard- I did, which is why falling just short now hurts all the more. Now that I'm at the point where I can't fuel my dream with any more hard work or just plain focus and drive to achieve it, it feels very odd. It's out of my hands now and it's just plain luck. I'm used to my diligence yielding results, so this is a new situation.

A more optimistic dose of realism now.
I now have to wait for people to forfiet their confirmed seats so that the waitlisters are invited to join. Not everyone on the confirmed list will take up their offers, they might choose to take up offers from bigger and more conventional MBA schools. So that's good news for waitlisters. The fee MICA is asking for is also pretty steep, which might discourage some. I feel nasty saying that because someone else not being able to afford MICA only increases my chances, but that is the way it is. MICA is asking for a significant amount to be sent with the acceptance letter, to confirm our interest. Now this is another factor, because most students apply to numerous schools using their CAT/XAT scores and if they are accepted by multiple schools then, like MICA, each school asks for a large amount to confirm interest. In such a case, the student might pay up at the school s/he's most interested in, or perhaps another school as a back-up. And I've already heard a few people say they're not accepting MICA's offer and taking up something else instead. So this might mean I still have a chance.
One thing is for sure though, I'm going to keep an open mind now. It's time for me to distance myself from this and not pin my hopes onto this so much. I suppose I'll just send my money to MICA now and tell them that I am interested and if there is a place open, maybe I'll get it. I honestly don't know my chances, so I'm in the dark. And that's a good thing, because I'm not so disheartened. I actually think it's a good thing I feel unprepared to deal with this situation because now I'm so busy trying to figure out how to deal with it that I'm not feeling disappointed! It's all luck from this point onwards now. It feels difficult to resign control and say, If it's destined, it'll happen. But I have to learn that now, and it's always good to learn.
I sincerely believe everything happens for the best. And my faith in that is very strong. If I don't make it to MICA, I'll learn that life doesn't always play according to my plans. I'll learn patience and how to deal with, not failure, but the collapse of a dream. I'll learn new ways to pick myself up. I'll learn my strengths and weaknesses. I'll learn to look forward and think of my future in a different light. All of these things I need to learn. It most certainly isn't the end of anything, let alone the world! I always learn from experiences and I'm learning from this one just the same. I'll just be stronger at the end of whatever happens now.
And you know what? I am proud of myself for realising that.