Resolving
So now the anxiety part is partly resolved. The Dakia came and delivered the MICA letter carrying my result. I am waitlist number 52. Okay. I'm still a little shaky about how to deal with this new situation. I feel a little unprepared. I'm really not used to being on this side of the fence and it feels very new. Its perhaps cocky to say so, but in the vein of letting it out honestly, I'm the kid who usually does well, who tries hard and gets results. This time, it's different. And I feel emotionally unprepared to deal with this, I'm not used to waitlist number 52. I'm used to Congratulations, you're through! I know this must sound very egotistic, which I'm not, but I'm trying to put this new feeling and new situation into words so that it's easier for me to understand exactly how I'm feeling.
Well, I have to be honest. Here's how it is. I've invested a lot of my time, money and most, most importantly, a lot of my emotions into this whole endeavour. I've nurtured my dream of going to MICA for the longest time now and as I am used to just "making it", I now realise that I'd somehow automatically convinced myself that this would be easy sailing as well. That is not to say I didn't study hard- I did, which is why falling just short now hurts all the more. Now that I'm at the point where I can't fuel my dream with any more hard work or just plain focus and drive to achieve it, it feels very odd. It's out of my hands now and it's just plain luck. I'm used to my diligence yielding results, so this is a new situation.
A more optimistic dose of realism now.
I now have to wait for people to forfiet their confirmed seats so that the waitlisters are invited to join. Not everyone on the confirmed list will take up their offers, they might choose to take up offers from bigger and more conventional MBA schools. So that's good news for waitlisters. The fee MICA is asking for is also pretty steep, which might discourage some. I feel nasty saying that because someone else not being able to afford MICA only increases my chances, but that is the way it is. MICA is asking for a significant amount to be sent with the acceptance letter, to confirm our interest. Now this is another factor, because most students apply to numerous schools using their CAT/XAT scores and if they are accepted by multiple schools then, like MICA, each school asks for a large amount to confirm interest. In such a case, the student might pay up at the school s/he's most interested in, or perhaps another school as a back-up. And I've already heard a few people say they're not accepting MICA's offer and taking up something else instead. So this might mean I still have a chance.
One thing is for sure though, I'm going to keep an open mind now. It's time for me to distance myself from this and not pin my hopes onto this so much. I suppose I'll just send my money to MICA now and tell them that I am interested and if there is a place open, maybe I'll get it. I honestly don't know my chances, so I'm in the dark. And that's a good thing, because I'm not so disheartened. I actually think it's a good thing I feel unprepared to deal with this situation because now I'm so busy trying to figure out how to deal with it that I'm not feeling disappointed! It's all luck from this point onwards now. It feels difficult to resign control and say, If it's destined, it'll happen. But I have to learn that now, and it's always good to learn.
I sincerely believe everything happens for the best. And my faith in that is very strong. If I don't make it to MICA, I'll learn that life doesn't always play according to my plans. I'll learn patience and how to deal with, not failure, but the collapse of a dream. I'll learn new ways to pick myself up. I'll learn my strengths and weaknesses. I'll learn to look forward and think of my future in a different light. All of these things I need to learn. It most certainly isn't the end of anything, let alone the world! I always learn from experiences and I'm learning from this one just the same. I'll just be stronger at the end of whatever happens now.
And you know what? I am proud of myself for realising that.
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on 1.4.06 at 6:56 PM.
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