Everyday I am amazed at how easy it is to stop thinking. Really thinking. To truly become numb. I started this blog for the very purpose of countering that for myself. I'm scared when I realize how simple it can be to just drift through things without thinking about them, about the causes and repurcussions of those things. Every single day.
I wonder often if I am becoming desensitized, or if I'm there already. And I think that I might be. It stops being about not thinking then. It is inevitable then that I don't feel things either. It would be easy to comparmentalise thinking with the brain and feeling with the heart, but what I mean is the act of really just experiencing things completely. Living them.
I just deleted the last post I wrote. It gnawed at me as soon as it was up on the blog. I wasn't sure why that was, I wasn't sure why I had an urge to remove it and bin it. I thought about it and realized- it was because that last post was empty. It had nothing inside it. It was just a bunch of words strung together about something of little consequence. Did it matter? No. The vacant expression of that post reminds me of a line in 'Homecoming' by R Parthasarathy
"One can be eloquent about nothing."
Writing really matters to me. And it's pretty nasty for me to realize I'm writing things that I don't always care about. It doesn't mean that writing always has to be heavy or philosophical or something, but it does mean that I hope my writing atleast remains true to what I know I want to be writing about. And that isn't trash. It's just another ping in the head to 'Stay Conscious' I think.
I wonder though, am I alone in thinking that its easy to stop actively thinking and adopt a chalta hai attitude in how we think, speak, write, behave?
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on 30.4.06 at 10:41 PM.
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Were you playing to an audience .. i face the same prob when i play to an audience ..
nice post
I have been having a chala-hai feeling about my writing, work, academics, friends, folks and excessive smoking all year long. Been taking everything for granted. I am numb in my head. Lekin chalta hai. Kabhi na kabhi toh hum jaagenge. Tech tar gammat.
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